Finding A Place Called Home
by sarah-jess
Summary: Bella loathes herself. She's planning on killing herself, because she's fed up with people, and the new kid who gives her glares. Can he stop her from having the wrong fate? Or will he just avoid her and seal her death? E/B OCC Based on some of my thought
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I do not own twilight. I'm just using the charachters.**

**A/N: Hi. This is something thats a bit personal. most of these thoughts are mine in a way, but unique to the story. so, yeah. If you don't like self loathing, turn back now. But if it doesn't but you, go ahead and stay. Thanks.**

Rejection is something that you can't get enough of. No matter if you've been accepted, your going to be rejected in one way or another.

* * *

No matter how hard you try, rejection catches up with you. Whether it's society, or your 'beloved' peers, friends or family. They can't seem to stop marveling how much you fuck up. Every time you do, they just rub it in your face more.

I already know I'm fucking ugly, why have to say it out loud and make me want to kill myself more? It's nice when a lot of people do it, but when someone you think is different does it, it sure is fun. **hint, sarcasm, hint. **Especially when that person has been in the room for exactly, lets see... not even a minute?

I needed to get out of here, I am officially becoming sick of these looks people gave me. I know I'm fucked up. I know I'm an ass. Can't someone just hold in their own opinions in for once? Couldn't they just stop talking about the pain In the ass?

Just once, I wish... just once is never what I'll get. People love to make fun of someone whose different. And that person has to be me.

I grabbed my bag and ran the fuck out of there. I didn't do anything to that god-like creature. But, oh no, like everyone else, I have to fuck up, just looking at him, and instantly have another hope of friendship crushed.

The tears started to fall freely now. All those times people look at me like that, and I happen to cry over a single person? Or maybe he's not a person the way he was looking at me.

Do I really smell like my fucking brother? I made my way to my car, my Shelby cobra Kr fastback.

I'm officially sick of this place. The only reason I'm staying here is Charlie. Oh, Charlie. I promised him I wouldn't skip again, but low and behold, I'm the bitch. The promise breaker.

I got into my car and started my baby up. I had lost hope of loving anything else except my car and my father. Let's see shall we? Hmm... Jacob, boyfriend of, 3 years? Had been cheating behind my back with Angela weber. The least suspecting culprit. Ben wasn't the only one heartbroken. Who'd a thunk it? Angela of all people. Thats what you get for having friends.

And then there was my mom. _Bitch. _The perfect word for the skank. Even though she remarried Phil, she was in deep shit with everyone. She had everything up her ass. From unpaid drug fines, to several DUI charges. Even indecent exposure fines. I don't think she ever wanted to be a mom in the first place. Having sex, and being immature at a young age paid for it.

It's nice to have someone to look up to, and have a role model. Unfortunately, mine is a 1960's pinup by the name of Bettie page. So much for parental role models.

It feels like I'm being watched everyday. Ever bad thing I do, every bad thing I say, anything I do, it's just hell for me to try to do something right, and when I do, people skeptically look at me like I'm a worthless shit.

And it helps, that people think I worship the devil because I don't believe in god. Who the fuck cares? Can't I do what I want, and not be criticized by people in the goddamn town? And besides, they don't have a logical explanation to believe in that fake excuse of something to worship.

I have a reason to think the way I do, to act the way I do. I need an escape from my own mind, an escape from my personal hell. So, why do I have to believe in god, if he's never given me anything worth worshiping over him for? Or was it all those times I've had to suffer? Should I worship him for that? Or should I just basically say fuck religion, and not have a scapegoat to blame my problems on.

Even if people think their mature, they're not. Their continuously blaming go for their problems, and having faith in something/someone that's not real to solve them. Are people that stupid nowadays? Why can't they solve their own problems?

Is it so hard to accomplish something once, and then have it over with?

And my fucking cuts. It doesn't help that people don't believe I have a few cats, and they like to scratch. All they care about it locking me up in an asylum.

I'm too weak at the sight of blood to be a cutter. Sure, I label myself as an "emo-metal head", but thats because people don't understand what emo is.

They think it's just cutting, and wearing tight clothes, but people who are actually "emotional" go deeper then those make believe problem pussies.

And my anger. My anger isn't influenced at anyone particular.. well, not exactly anyways. I'm mad at my mother for having to get knocked up, and bring me into this life.

I'm mad at myself for making everything I do a living hell, and I'm mad at everyone, everyone for criticizing my way of life. I don't criticize theirs, so they shouldn't to mine.

I'm sick of this life. And sick of the fake people who fill it. I'm mad at this mad lifestyle, of having no real home. No place to fit it, no place to be.

I guess somethings aren't meant to be, or to be found in anyway. Everything is just a worthless dream. Every time something goes right, it ends up even worse. "Soon," I murmured to myself. And soon it would be. The destruction of me.

**A/N: So, uhm, yeah, the first chapter. Well, thanks for reading, and review please. Thanks.**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Ello!! I got three reviews!! w00t!! i love you guys! lol XD! This chapter is a mix of two. My original second chapter was a bit different, but this is a mix of both two. But, yet again, this is another emotion filled dark chapter. sorry i didn't write more, but i need a bit to work on for the rest of my story. Thanks for reading my story yet again.**  
**  
Disclaimer: i don't own anything.**

* * *

I wasn't sure how I was going to do this.

This whole time I've been worried about hurting Charlie, and still am. Do I just go up to him and say, "Hey, dad, I'm going to kill myself. Is that okay with you?" I snorted.

I bet that would be something. To see my father turn purple because I want to die. It's really funny when someone does that for fun. What kind of fucking person does that? I'm not sure if could do this.

I think I'm possibly bipolar. Who knows? Who even cares about me? Whenever I try to comfort the few things that matter, they just end up pushing me away. I love when that happens.

Like when my dad's best friend, harry, died, he was a nervous wreck. I tried to comfort him, but he just pushed me away. And then my dog, when she was tremendous pain from getting in a dog fight, she let everyone else touch her, and comfort her, except me.

That's nice that people can see the demon in my eyes, waiting to kill them one way or another, even If i'm not thinking it.

When I had to do aikdo when I was living with my mom, everyone gave me looks like I was the fucking devil is disguise. They never looked me in the face, or did anything to make me talk much. The only few people who talked to me was a girl who looked like she had problems too.

Every single thing I do, it's always wrong, no matter how hard I try.

Do we ask how we live the way we do? Do we ask all these questions just to fuel controversies?

Do we realize, it's not the questions we have, but the answers waiting to get out? Does anyone stop to think, mabye following society is actually going against it?

Have you ever felt the way your living isn't right, and it's just going against the way the universe planned for you? Have you ever felt alone, even when your surrounded by people?

Even though I don't particularly dress like everyone else, everyone knows I'm different.

Do I have a stamp on my forehead saying "different" or have an aura around me that everyone can see, that shouts "Misplaced! Avoid at all costs!"?

Linkin Park sums it up pretty well. Somewhere I belong. That's what I struggle to find everyday in my pointless life.

Somewhere to be, to live, to be set free.

This pattern of this bronze haired boy lasted for another week.

On Friday, Tyler's van skidded across the ice covered ground towards me. As I thought, look up to the sky just before you die, it's the last time you will, I noticed the person wreaking havoc of my emotions was staring blankly at me.  
That face wouldn't be a bad face to die looking at. Looking at him felt right, normal, like it should be that way.  
I looked at the van, still coming at me, but the van swerved at the right time, and managed to avoid me completely.  
But the thing that shook me was the fact I saw Cullen by his car, and suddenly, he's in front of me.  
I stared at him in shock, and he just stared right back.

He slowly walked away, and my nerves went haywire.

Have you ever thought your meaning in life is more than you think you are? More than you think your ever worth? Have you ever felt that something big, bigger than you, was just around the corner? Something where you'll find yourself, and help another in find themselves also? I'm not sure what this feeling was, but I felt like I would find out soon enough.

**A/N: Heh.. thanks for reading :) i appreciate all reviews and opinions.. flames are welcome too.. just don't burn everything :P thanks yet again. P.S. I may put up some poems that portray what shes feeling.. lol.. kinda my feelings, so yeah. so, if you want a bit of poetry, please say something.**


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: I don't own them, I just own my emotions.  
A/N: WOW... that doesn't even cover it.. I'm just overwhelmed. 8 reviews! weut :) and the next chapter is poems. This chapter refers to a bit more of a "Vampric" fate of Bella's, so whoever asked, there will be some interaction in the next chapter. I'm a junkie for happy endings, and i intend this to be a story with one, But for now, you guys gotta put up with my emoness. If anyone was wondering, I'm at the age of thirteen. lol. i know, pretty young, eh? But thanks for reading... on wif ze story!**

If I wasn't so afraid of hurting everyone, I would've dropped out by now.

Given if we think we're mature, we're actually immature in most aspects of our self.

If you carefully look at every single person, or living thing, they all have a childish fear, or something childishly stubborn about you.

Edward, I think his name is. Saying his name in my mind made butterflies in my stomach and my heart pound in my chest. Weird.

As I was saying, I think he's afraid of commitment. He's afraid of finding someone to love. The amount of girls he turns away solves that factor.

As for my fear, I'm afraid of myself. What I could be. I'm afraid of my true being, and anything that has to do with my fate. I'm struggling to find a source to end this miserable life, but I can't not until I find the thing that's bothering me. That feeling of something bigger than anything I stand for.

This feeling of uneasiness, it's bugging the crap out of me.

As I was looking at my arm, I couldn't help but wonder, why I was so white. Was I so conventionally pale, just to become more pale once I found myself? The only answer I had to that pestering question was, I'm white enough, who could be whiter than me?

I wasn't so sure of my answer.

I had this nagging voice in the back of my head saying, "Shut up! And lets things be!", but the masochist I am, I think every bad thing that could possibly happen.

If I so happen to hear about "the end of the world" I think of all the ways the world could end. You could call me a negative junkie, but that's just the way things are for me

If anything bad happens, I blame it myself. It's always my fault. If my dog was hit, it's my fault. If my dad gets sick, I blame it on me. Everything that goes wrong, I take it out on myself.

If someone else buys something they shouldn't have, I blame it on myself for not telling them. I constantly say sorry, but that doesn't make up for the things I've done.

Even if I act the politest I can, everyone still treats me like the shit I am.

I seriously need a break, or a break from everything. And as I said before, the break would come enough. I just had to wait, wait for the time for it to be.

**What did ya think? I'm sorry it's so short, but i was cutoff mid sentence in class. (History teachers don't like it when you don't pay attention.. lol) But, i think people will like the next story chapter, because something pivotal will happen. It will have to do greatly with her "fate." Thanks fer the reviews again.**


	4. Poems

**a/n: My poems i wrote.. lol.. they tie in with the story (some of em do...) and i wanted anyone whose interested to know, i need a beta! lol. and thanks for reading this story once again. :P**

I want my ears to bleed,  
to make myself scream,  
to find pleasure in pain,  
although in the start,  
it wasn't intentionally vain,  
I want to escape,  
but they have me trapped here like an insane ape.

I want to feel pain,  
to take all the blame,  
to avoid all these feelings of love,  
to ditch,  
to dismiss,  
to hate,  
and not kiss,  
to let my fate collide,  
not to decide.

I just want to let go,  
to live,  
and to love,  
two things I'd like to hope for,  
but have no time for anything of the above.

There's no reason to be denying,  
to keep my heat more petrifying,  
to stop killing and lying,  
to let my heart live,  
and to stop my thoughts from dying,  
making myself incomplete,  
without love,  
without heat,  
just a cold lonely heart,  
just to me.

My palms are getting sweaty,  
I don't know what to do,  
I'd hate to say I told you so,  
but it just doesn't seem like you.  
I can't find closure,  
I can't find help,  
I need some way out of this mess,  
but your in your own doubt.

Drowning further into my sorrows,  
no hope for tomorrow,  
numbness is all I feel,  
making my heart race with fear,  
perishing into darkness,  
making me feel,  
what I've wanted for so long,  
just for something to go wrong,  
letting my heart be set free,  
just to end up shutting it right back in me.

Take me home,  
wake me where I want to be,  
take me home and set me free,  
my home is not here,  
my heart is there,  
my soul is in the pits of hell,  
I am no angel,  
I am no saint,  
I'm just a tortured soul who has yet to know her fate.

Every time I let my heart soar,  
it ends up being hurt some more  
crush and stomped,  
mangled and tromped.

Let the venom flow,  
through the fire and the snow,  
melting all in it's way,  
nothing in it's path will see another day,  
opening the pits of hell,  
taking the fears,  
and the doubts,  
of the animals that were swallowed inside out.

This life is making me ill,  
the pain is shooting through me like a drill,  
making me see,  
what no good you've done to me,  
seeing you use them just like their free.

Lost in myself,  
never to be found,  
now I'm just a memory stuck in the ground.

Life fades,  
life shades,  
but it doesn't take my memory away,  
it just defies,  
and revives,  
a memory from a better time.

My deepest rage is jealously,  
filled with pitiful agony,  
desperate to full that void,  
with something less paranoid,  
only to have it fulfil,  
with something that will kill.

I watch you go away,  
just for one minute,  
then it's days,  
seeing you,  
then leaving you,  
missing you,  
then fleeing you,  
I'm afraid and ashamed,  
of not having you for another day.

Withering away my self control,  
making my life a living hell hole,  
surging through emotions,  
my life has no devotions.

Joy is something I'll never have,  
not anything that makes me glad,  
depressed is all I fell,  
pain is nothing new,  
and I'm faced with nothing real.

In perfect disarray,  
my mind lets me sway,  
into a world that doesn't have troubles,  
doesn't all pain,  
all you see is love,  
and that's fair game  
once reality catches you,  
it always latches you,  
into problems you've left behind,  
when you visited that world that was so divine.

I watch my speakers fade away,  
as I have yet to see the comfort in another day,  
I want this misery to set me free,  
but I just have to take this torture you've created inside of me.

You don't know what it's like,  
to not have a place called home,  
to be forgotten,  
and misshapen,  
into a world of lies,  
that divide,  
and multiply.

**a/n: how was it? lol... Thanks for reading.. and you don't have to review for this chapter if ya dun wanna.. wait.. not a chapter.. just poems that are similar to the story :P thank you :) p.s. And if some don't make sense, they may just be a hint to future chapters :P, or not. lol**


	5. AN Sorry!

**A/N: I'm sorry for not updating. I'm confused whether to stick with this form of writing, or go on to the actual plot. I'm sorry for putting up this unnecessary chapter. I'm just torn between two things to do, and I need some help on what to do. If someone could please help me out whether to skip some unnecessary "self-loathing", and just skip to the plot, or do a chapter or two, then get to the plot. so, please if anyone has any ideas, or anything, just please review, or pm, to tell me some ideas. thanks a ton- Sarah.**


	6. another stupid important an!

**meh... I'm wondering... i may want a co-author.**

**my thoughts are jumbled most of the time, and my ideas go as fast as they come. i think i need someone to help me, and also contribute to writing. I'm sure this will run much better with two authors. **

**I'm sorry i haven't update in.. well, forever, but i keep getting ideas, and they just suck as soon as they're typed up. i'm sorry, but for anyone who wants to be a co-author, just pm or review. **

**I'm sorry yet again for all this nonsense, but i need help. lol. thanks thought, and please say something if you'd like to co-author.**

**-Sarah Jess.**


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